1
00:00:41,527 --> 00:00:43,518
(WHOOSH)

2
00:00:49,407 --> 00:00:51,443
All right? Anyone serving or what?

3
00:00:51,607 --> 00:00:54,326
(WOMAN) With you in a minute, luv.

4
00:00:54,487 --> 00:00:56,045
(BABY CRIES)

5
00:01:09,687 --> 00:01:14,363
- Hello, Frank. What can I get you?
- Look what I found under the pool table.

6
00:01:15,767 --> 00:01:17,564
- Any note?
- No, nothin'.

7
00:01:19,007 --> 00:01:20,725
Oh!

8
00:01:22,327 --> 00:01:26,240
They've written its name on the side here.

9
00:01:26,447 --> 00:01:28,677
"Our Rob or Ross."

10
00:01:30,007 --> 00:01:34,444
Look how it's spelt. They must've been
thicker than a ticket tout's wad.

11
00:01:34,647 --> 00:01:38,435
- Couldn't even decide on a name.
- Oh, poor little mite.

12
00:01:38,607 --> 00:01:42,395
I wonder what'll become of him?
Somethin' terrible, no doubt.

13
00:02:05,527 --> 00:02:08,405
I hate doing that! I hate doing that!

14
00:02:12,887 --> 00:02:14,639
(TINKLING)

15
00:02:16,567 --> 00:02:18,000
Smeg!

16
00:02:18,167 --> 00:02:20,158
I've just sneezed out me cap!

17
00:02:21,487 --> 00:02:24,604
Just thought I'd change your linen
before you turn in for the night, sir.

18
00:02:24,807 --> 00:02:26,877
Kryten, I've lost me cap.

19
00:02:27,087 --> 00:02:30,796
No, here it is, sir. I've just finished
giving it its monthly scrape.

20
00:02:31,007 --> 00:02:34,556
My tooth cap, the one you made
from the skeleton in medi-bay.

21
00:02:34,767 --> 00:02:38,362
- Oh, I see.
- Hey! Here it is.

22
00:02:38,527 --> 00:02:41,678
I need some glue to stick it in.
I've just got that needly, pointy thing.

23
00:02:41,887 --> 00:02:45,357
- Let me see.
- No, it's all needly, pointy and disgusting.

24
00:02:45,567 --> 00:02:49,765
Let me see, sir.
I'm a mechanoid. I won't be revolted.

25
00:02:49,927 --> 00:02:51,246
OK.

26
00:02:51,887 --> 00:02:54,321
Oh, my God! It's hideous!

27
00:02:54,527 --> 00:02:56,518
(GIGGLES)

28
00:02:56,687 --> 00:02:58,678
Yeah, very funny. Just fix it.

29
00:02:58,847 --> 00:03:01,156
It'll take an hour to prepare
some dental adhesive.

30
00:03:01,367 --> 00:03:04,120
Give me some wood glue.
You can redo it in the morning.

31
00:03:04,287 --> 00:03:08,997
Wood glue? Are you sure, sir?
Don't get your lips glued together.

32
00:03:10,127 --> 00:03:15,360
Oh, incidentally, I just found some
old clothes in one of the storage lockers.

33
00:03:15,527 --> 00:03:17,961
Hey! I need a dressing gown.

34
00:03:18,167 --> 00:03:22,638
Well, that's what I thought.
I thought if I remove the trim,

35
00:03:22,807 --> 00:03:27,005
let it out a little bit,
obviously dye it, it could be just dandy.

36
00:03:28,167 --> 00:03:30,203
Yeah. Nice one, Kryts.

37
00:03:30,367 --> 00:03:33,882
Perhaps I could take the necessary
measurements now, sir?

38
00:03:35,047 --> 00:03:37,163
I wonder why guys have nostril hair.

39
00:03:37,327 --> 00:03:39,158
I think it's nature's way of telling you

40
00:03:39,327 --> 00:03:42,160
it's time to buy a flat cap
and a pair of driving gloves, sir.

41
00:03:42,327 --> 00:03:45,285
Worst are those guys who just let it grow.

42
00:03:45,447 --> 00:03:48,883
They look like they've got half a loo brush
lodged up each nostril.

43
00:03:49,047 --> 00:03:51,242
They look like those machines
that shine shoes.

44
00:03:51,407 --> 00:03:53,967
Curious, isn't it, that most women
aren't similarly afflicted.

45
00:03:54,127 --> 00:03:56,766
Obviously, I'm excluding women
who work in Oxfam shops.

46
00:03:57,567 --> 00:04:00,684
Pain: It evens itself out, doesn't it?

47
00:04:00,847 --> 00:04:04,920
Women have the agony
of childbirth and we have... this.

48
00:04:09,407 --> 00:04:11,398
(WHINES) They don't know they're born!

49
00:04:24,407 --> 00:04:29,481
What is wrong with me? Now I've got
a box of floss attached to me face!

50
00:04:31,167 --> 00:04:34,000
Hey! Nice outfit!

51
00:04:34,167 --> 00:04:36,840
- Did you come in here for a reason?
- Oh, yeah!

52
00:04:37,007 --> 00:04:41,319
Something's showing up on the long-range
scan which is weird with a capital "WE".

53
00:04:41,527 --> 00:04:44,439
- Can you be a tad more scientific?
- Come again?

54
00:04:44,607 --> 00:04:47,485
Is it a wibbly thing or a swirly thing?

55
00:04:47,647 --> 00:04:52,721
At this early stage, I'd hate to commit myself
and wind up looking a fool. See for yourself.

56
00:04:53,487 --> 00:04:56,604
Wibbly thing or swirly thing...

57
00:04:56,767 --> 00:04:59,156
and he refuses to commit himself?

58
00:04:59,727 --> 00:05:03,083
He's losing it. He really is.

59
00:05:08,487 --> 00:05:13,003
It's some kind of power surge causing a
major disturbance in the fabric of space-time.

60
00:05:13,207 --> 00:05:17,041
It's also causing a major disturbance
in the fabric of my pants!

61
00:05:17,247 --> 00:05:20,125
- It's almost like a tear.
- Perhaps a temporal rip.

62
00:05:20,287 --> 00:05:22,517
I'm gonna turn this tub around
and try and outrun it.

63
00:05:22,727 --> 00:05:26,845
Get real, man. That thing up there's going
faster than a copy of "Hello!" in a nunnery.

64
00:05:30,127 --> 00:05:34,086
Suggest we treat it like a tidal wave and
head straight for the eye of the storm.

65
00:05:34,287 --> 00:05:36,084
Are you sure about that?

66
00:05:36,247 --> 00:05:39,956
Because intestines and a suit won't work
without colon-coloured accessories.

67
00:05:40,127 --> 00:05:42,118
I need to know - should I change?

68
00:05:42,287 --> 00:05:46,121
Cat, go for it, man. The eye of the storm.

69
00:05:53,447 --> 00:05:56,280
We seem to be through the worst of it...

70
00:05:56,447 --> 00:06:00,042
but I'm picking up some kind of sub-space
energy disturbance on the engineering deck.

71
00:06:00,247 --> 00:06:02,602
You're right, sir. It's off the scale.

72
00:06:02,807 --> 00:06:06,641
Now, for a sub-space energy disturbance,
I'm dressed perfectly.

73
00:06:06,807 --> 00:06:09,367
Let's check it out.

74
00:06:18,447 --> 00:06:20,244
According to the psi-scan,

75
00:06:20,407 --> 00:06:24,002
the membrane between two realities
has temporarily collapsed.

76
00:06:24,167 --> 00:06:28,126
This is some kind of hyperway
through non-space to a parallel dimension.

77
00:06:29,447 --> 00:06:31,756
Let's have a goosey.

78
00:06:42,207 --> 00:06:44,357
(TEARING AND WHOOSHING)

79
00:06:44,527 --> 00:06:48,486
Careful, sir. The linkway's about
as stable as an Italian taxi driver

80
00:06:48,647 --> 00:06:51,161
who's got stuck behind two old priests
in a Skoda.

81
00:06:52,047 --> 00:06:53,924
What the hell is that?

82
00:06:54,087 --> 00:06:56,681
Non-space, sir.
An abyss of infinite nothingness

83
00:06:56,847 --> 00:06:59,042
where time doesn't seem to exist.

84
00:06:59,247 --> 00:07:01,556
Sounds like Rimmer's organ recital night.

85
00:07:07,927 --> 00:07:12,364
I recognise those guys. Wait. Don't tell me.

86
00:07:12,567 --> 00:07:14,603
How's it going?

87
00:07:16,927 --> 00:07:19,316
- You're a hologram.
- Hard light.

88
00:07:19,527 --> 00:07:21,802
So in your dimension Lister died?

89
00:07:22,007 --> 00:07:24,123
In the radiation leak
that wiped out Red Dwarf.

90
00:07:24,327 --> 00:07:27,000
Why weren't you put into stasis like me?
What happened?

91
00:07:27,207 --> 00:07:29,641
Remember coming back
from shore leave on Mimas?

92
00:07:29,847 --> 00:07:33,965
I'd taken a couple of days off
to get over Kochanski. Yeah, I remember...

93
00:07:35,687 --> 00:07:39,236
Where the hell have you been?
I've reported you as AWOL.

94
00:07:40,007 --> 00:07:43,443
I've been on shore leave, man.
Didn't you get me message?

95
00:07:43,647 --> 00:07:48,038
You're supposed to apply to a superior officer
before you get shore leave, Lister.

96
00:07:48,207 --> 00:07:49,481
Look, Rimmer, give me a break.

97
00:07:49,647 --> 00:07:52,445
Ever since Kochanski split with me,
I've needed time on me own.

98
00:07:52,607 --> 00:07:54,962
- Kochanski dumped you?
- Yeah.

99
00:07:55,127 --> 00:07:57,880
- She really dumped you?
- Yes!

100
00:07:58,047 --> 00:08:01,642
You didn't tell me! You should've told me.
Are you really heartbroken?

101
00:08:01,807 --> 00:08:04,037
- You know, man, you know...
- You are, aren't you?

102
00:08:04,207 --> 00:08:05,845
OK, yes! Yes!

103
00:08:06,047 --> 00:08:08,959
Didn't I tell you you'd never bridge
that class division?

104
00:08:09,127 --> 00:08:13,120
Take her - navigation officer,
cadet school, Space Corps, well-spoken,

105
00:08:13,287 --> 00:08:17,075
can stay awake during operas,
knows her cheeses.

106
00:08:17,247 --> 00:08:19,636
She's class. And you? What are you?

107
00:08:19,807 --> 00:08:22,241
I don't mean to sound cruel,
but in comparison you're scum.

108
00:08:22,407 --> 00:08:23,806
And second-rate scum, at that.

109
00:08:23,967 --> 00:08:28,404
But don't forget: I used to be fourth-rate scum.
I've dragged meself up by me bootstraps.

110
00:08:28,567 --> 00:08:32,116
Listy, Listy, your type isn't Kochanski, Listy.

111
00:08:32,287 --> 00:08:35,996
It's someone called Tiffany.
Someone who drinks Campari and soda

112
00:08:36,167 --> 00:08:38,476
and wears orange crotchless panties,

113
00:08:38,647 --> 00:08:40,797
someone who thinks deelyboppers are funny,

114
00:08:40,967 --> 00:08:43,640
someone who says "sumfink"
instead of "something"

115
00:08:43,807 --> 00:08:47,038
and laughs like a freshly-wounded moose
strapped to a cement mixer.

116
00:08:47,207 --> 00:08:50,404
This from a man
who's had less sex than a lettuce.

117
00:08:50,567 --> 00:08:51,920
Oh, ha-ha (!)

118
00:08:52,087 --> 00:08:54,317
People who say "ha-ha"
have no sense of humour.

119
00:08:54,487 --> 00:08:57,160
They just can't think of a witty retort.

120
00:08:57,327 --> 00:08:59,363
Oh, ha-ha (!)

121
00:09:02,727 --> 00:09:03,921
Ms Kochanski, ma'am.

122
00:09:04,647 --> 00:09:07,844
I don't suppose you've read my proposal
for a new Space Corps salute?

123
00:09:09,807 --> 00:09:13,117
It's just, I'm trying to get the support
of the officers.

124
00:09:13,327 --> 00:09:16,842
I don't want to pressure you, but it is
rather important because if you like it,

125
00:09:17,007 --> 00:09:22,923
that brings the overall total of officers
who are right behind it up to... one.

126
00:09:23,127 --> 00:09:24,765
- Rimmer?
- Yes, ma'am?

127
00:09:24,967 --> 00:09:28,084
- Have sex with someone. That's an order.
- Yes, ma'am. Right away.

128
00:09:28,287 --> 00:09:32,724
'Ere. Ring this number. Say I sent you.
Tell them it's an emergency.

129
00:09:34,847 --> 00:09:36,565
- Hi
- Hmm...

130
00:09:36,727 --> 00:09:41,676
I just wanted to say, look,
I'm sorry for the Dear John. It was cowardly.

131
00:09:41,887 --> 00:09:46,085
What? Oh, that! Sorry, I'd completely
forgot. It seems like years ago.

132
00:09:46,287 --> 00:09:48,517
- It was last week.
- Was it?

133
00:09:48,687 --> 00:09:51,360
- Mm-hmm.
- Must've got over it just like that.

134
00:09:51,527 --> 00:09:54,599
Oh, come on, Dave.
We weren't going anywhere.

135
00:09:54,767 --> 00:09:56,917
How could we? We never got out of bed.

136
00:09:57,087 --> 00:09:59,237
There's more to life
than hanging out in your bunk,

137
00:09:59,407 --> 00:10:01,477
eating delivery curries
and having fantastic sex.

138
00:10:01,687 --> 00:10:06,044
- Frankly, I find that very hard to believe.
- I wanted to see if we could be friends.

139
00:10:06,247 --> 00:10:09,080
- Do you mean give it another go?
- No, no.

140
00:10:09,247 --> 00:10:11,841
- I'm, er... back with Tim now.
- Tim?!

141
00:10:13,407 --> 00:10:14,965
That guy is such a poser!

142
00:10:15,127 --> 00:10:18,517
The way he always wears that white suit
and that stupid, big floppy hat.

143
00:10:18,727 --> 00:10:20,126
He's a chef.

144
00:10:20,927 --> 00:10:23,077
Yeah, but the way he poses around in it,

145
00:10:23,247 --> 00:10:26,205
in the officers' club,
smoking those black cigarettes.

146
00:10:26,367 --> 00:10:29,404
- He's such a phoney.
- At least he's got a vocation.

147
00:10:29,607 --> 00:10:31,086
And you think because I happen to be

148
00:10:31,247 --> 00:10:34,637
vice-assistant vending machine deputy-minion
maintenance repair man, I'm nobody?

149
00:10:34,847 --> 00:10:36,485
Well... yes.

150
00:10:37,247 --> 00:10:40,637
Do you think a guy who brings on ten
free Crunchie bar samples every week

151
00:10:40,807 --> 00:10:42,035
hasn't got connections?

152
00:10:42,247 --> 00:10:44,807
- I just think...
- (MIAOWING)

153
00:10:48,647 --> 00:10:51,639
Do you know what you'd get
for smuggling a cat on board?

154
00:10:51,807 --> 00:10:55,720
- What? Cat-martialled?
- I could have you before a disciplinary board.

155
00:10:55,927 --> 00:10:58,885
- How long before? Do I get chance to change?
- I'm serious!

156
00:10:59,047 --> 00:11:01,959
As serving N.O., I'm supposed to report it!

157
00:11:02,127 --> 00:11:05,324
So report it.
Get me put into stasis for six months.

158
00:11:05,527 --> 00:11:09,725
Don't you know how dangerous it is
to smuggle in an un-quarantined animal?

159
00:11:09,887 --> 00:11:12,162
I was lonely. I'd just been dumped
by me girlfriend.

160
00:11:12,327 --> 00:11:14,477
It breaks every reg in the manual.

161
00:11:25,607 --> 00:11:27,404
(BEEPING)

162
00:11:36,527 --> 00:11:40,486
Just don't get caught
or I'm out cold for six months, OK?

163
00:11:40,647 --> 00:11:43,878
So you didn't get put into stasis
and died with the rest of the crew?

164
00:11:44,087 --> 00:11:47,762
- Then Holly brought me back as a hologram.
- What happened to Kochanski?

165
00:11:47,967 --> 00:11:51,437
They found the cat,
and she got six months in stasis.

166
00:11:51,607 --> 00:11:53,598
So does that mean...?

167
00:12:01,007 --> 00:12:02,281
Hi.

168
00:12:03,607 --> 00:12:08,556
- You look great!
- You look pretty amazing yourself.

169
00:12:08,767 --> 00:12:13,045
So in this dimension, you didn't die?
You're an alternate version of Dave.

170
00:12:14,127 --> 00:12:20,043
I think of meself as the definitive version,
honed to perfection by time and evolution.

171
00:12:24,727 --> 00:12:26,718
I can see why you'd think that.

172
00:12:27,647 --> 00:12:29,842
Sirs, ma'am, we've scarcely two hours

173
00:12:30,007 --> 00:12:33,602
before the dimensional tear self-repairs
and we lose the linkway.

174
00:12:33,767 --> 00:12:37,919
I suggest we might spend some of that time
exchanging supplies and information.

175
00:12:38,087 --> 00:12:42,478
We could update your hydrogen RAM-drive
to a tachyon-powered engine core.

176
00:12:42,687 --> 00:12:46,646
And in return, maybe we can unscrew
all those old pickle jars you can't open.

177
00:12:48,367 --> 00:12:51,484
- There is something you could do for us.
- Yeah?

178
00:12:51,647 --> 00:12:54,844
At some point, I want to have children.

179
00:12:55,047 --> 00:12:59,484
It's a slightly pervy thing to ask, especially
since we've just met, but perhaps you could...

180
00:12:59,687 --> 00:13:03,316
- Yeah?
- After all, we've been... you know, lovers...

181
00:13:03,527 --> 00:13:05,597
- Perhaps you could...
- Yeah?

182
00:13:06,487 --> 00:13:10,366
- Fill this up.
- I'd rather be standing a bit closer.

183
00:13:10,567 --> 00:13:14,799
It's a self-gamete mixing-in vitro tube.
I'm already in there.

184
00:13:15,007 --> 00:13:17,885
It just needs your... contribution.

185
00:13:21,087 --> 00:13:24,443
So it worked out for you guys, then.

186
00:13:24,647 --> 00:13:29,357
I couldn't be more happy. Well, outside
a major dental surgery with a rusty knife.

187
00:13:29,527 --> 00:13:30,960
Congratulations.

188
00:13:33,647 --> 00:13:36,525
Gelf ship! Somehow they've managed
to infiltrate non-space!

189
00:13:44,847 --> 00:13:47,361
Kris, give me your hand!

190
00:13:47,567 --> 00:13:49,842
Hang on to me feet, man!

191
00:13:57,447 --> 00:13:58,766
It's gonna give!

192
00:14:11,767 --> 00:14:13,519
(GRUNTS)

193
00:14:47,527 --> 00:14:50,439
- She's really something, isn't she?
- Who is?

194
00:14:50,607 --> 00:14:52,245
Officer Bud-Babe.

195
00:14:52,447 --> 00:14:58,158
In fact, I'm barely hanging on to my title
as most gorgeous creature on this ship.

196
00:15:00,847 --> 00:15:03,759
Oh, what am I talking about? Am I crazy?

197
00:15:03,967 --> 00:15:08,563
Cat, man, we're under attack. It might be
an idea to get us the smeg out of here.

198
00:15:10,887 --> 00:15:14,357
What happened? I thought I'd lost you!

199
00:15:15,407 --> 00:15:17,443
- I think you've mistaken me...
- Shh!

200
00:15:18,927 --> 00:15:21,646
- What were you saying?
- Forget it.

201
00:15:22,967 --> 00:15:26,676
Oh, dear! Sir, I think Miss Kochanski's
under the delusion that you're...

202
00:15:26,847 --> 00:15:29,759
- Not now, Kryten.
- But you don't understand.

203
00:15:29,927 --> 00:15:32,157
Miss Kochanski thinks...
- I've handled it, OK?

204
00:15:32,327 --> 00:15:34,318
Now, go make some sweet tea or something.

205
00:15:34,487 --> 00:15:38,480
- Er... Permission to speak, sir?
- Permission refused!

206
00:15:42,767 --> 00:15:47,124
- Wait a minute. This isn't the medi-bay.
- You must have mistaken me for your Lister.

207
00:15:47,327 --> 00:15:51,764
- That's what I've been trying to tell you!
- Were you?

208
00:15:52,607 --> 00:15:56,236
If only you'd listened to me,
I could have saved you from all that yuckiness.

209
00:15:56,447 --> 00:15:57,846
Is that the kind of guy you are?

210
00:15:58,007 --> 00:16:00,726
Someone who'd take advantage of a woman
who's half insensible?

211
00:16:00,927 --> 00:16:03,202
I was gonna tell you, honestly.

212
00:16:03,407 --> 00:16:06,285
They always taught me in school
it was rude to talk with your mouth full.

213
00:16:07,247 --> 00:16:10,478
Wait, you mean I'm stuck here with you?

214
00:16:10,647 --> 00:16:14,481
Priscilla, Queen of Deep Space?
No way. I've gotta get that linkway back!

215
00:16:14,647 --> 00:16:16,080
(CRASH)

216
00:16:17,567 --> 00:16:20,877
It's not exactly possible at the moment.
We're under attack.

217
00:16:21,287 --> 00:16:23,403
- It's back on our tail!
- What is it?

218
00:16:23,567 --> 00:16:26,127
Some Gelf battle cruiser.

219
00:16:26,327 --> 00:16:29,205
They've sent a scan, sir. Take a look.

220
00:16:30,527 --> 00:16:32,802
Oh, my God. It's the missus.

221
00:16:33,007 --> 00:16:35,316
- The what?
- Mr Lister's Gelf bride.

222
00:16:35,527 --> 00:16:38,997
We all went to the wedding.
It was just beautiful.

223
00:16:39,207 --> 00:16:41,641
- He married this?!
- He had to.

224
00:16:41,807 --> 00:16:46,085
- You mean...?
- We were in a fix! We needed an engine part.

225
00:16:46,287 --> 00:16:51,407
You should visit the orang-utan house at
London Zoo. Your eyes would be out on stalks!

226
00:16:52,207 --> 00:16:57,201
They're opening comms channels. Sir,
they're demanding you return to your bride.

227
00:16:57,367 --> 00:16:59,517
In Gelf law, separation is impossible

228
00:16:59,687 --> 00:17:03,919
without special dispensation
from Hakakhhak-kkhhak...

229
00:17:04,807 --> 00:17:07,924
hhakh-hhakhkhkahak-hkaahkahk-hkhk,

230
00:17:08,087 --> 00:17:12,126
Chief Justice of hakhakhk-aahkahkh

231
00:17:12,287 --> 00:17:18,396
hkhakkhaakhaaakah-akkk-hhakaaaak
kak-akk-hakkakak ka ka ka.

232
00:17:20,367 --> 00:17:23,757
OK, patch me into the MCN,
and I'll lay down an SS line.

233
00:17:23,967 --> 00:17:28,040
- You'll what, Officer BB?
- Quadrant 4-9-2 stroke G-8-7,

234
00:17:28,207 --> 00:17:31,438
moving across
to Quadrant 2 to Q-4-1 stroke 9.

235
00:17:31,607 --> 00:17:33,882
- Just follow my coords.
- Your cords?

236
00:17:34,087 --> 00:17:36,555
- Yeah, my coords.
- Follow your cords?

237
00:17:36,767 --> 00:17:40,203
- Is that a problem?
- You're not talking about trousers, are you?

238
00:17:41,167 --> 00:17:42,600
Coordinates.

239
00:17:42,807 --> 00:17:45,605
Coordinates! Thank you!

240
00:17:57,047 --> 00:17:59,959
20 degrees starboard on this next 'berg.

241
00:18:03,167 --> 00:18:05,397
<i>They're right on our tails.</i>

242
00:18:05,607 --> 00:18:08,679
Hold this line. Keep holding...

243
00:18:08,847 --> 00:18:10,280
Keep holding...

244
00:18:11,487 --> 00:18:13,443
Lift now!

245
00:18:23,007 --> 00:18:24,804
Pretty snazzy!

246
00:18:30,167 --> 00:18:35,400
Still no sign of Miss Kochanski's ship, sir.
We're fast running out of time.

247
00:18:35,567 --> 00:18:39,719
- I know. It's good, isn't it?
- No, sir. I don't believe it is.

248
00:18:39,887 --> 00:18:43,084
- Don't you like her?
- I'm a mere mechanoid, sir.

249
00:18:43,247 --> 00:18:47,001
Hardly my place to point out
what a... bossy old trollop she is.

250
00:18:47,167 --> 00:18:51,399
- Good kisser, though.
- She knew that was you all along, sir!

251
00:18:51,567 --> 00:18:56,163
She was merely trying you out
to compare you with her Mr Lister.

252
00:18:56,327 --> 00:18:59,558
Apparently, he's quite something.
Initially, a soft-light hologram,

253
00:18:59,727 --> 00:19:04,084
that's made him sensitive and caring
in a way most men aren't.

254
00:19:04,247 --> 00:19:07,922
You mean he can remember anniversaries
and stay awake for several seconds after sex?

255
00:19:08,087 --> 00:19:11,966
He's every woman's dream guy, sir.
He even enjoys shopping for shoes!

256
00:19:12,127 --> 00:19:14,004
- Jesus...
- A human male

257
00:19:14,167 --> 00:19:17,762
who's prepared to have in-depth discussions
about "relationships".

258
00:19:17,927 --> 00:19:18,916
Eurgh!

259
00:19:19,087 --> 00:19:21,885
We're talking about
someone quite exceptional, sir.

260
00:19:22,047 --> 00:19:26,040
- Where does that leave me?
- Well, that leaves you...

261
00:19:26,207 --> 00:19:30,086
trying to help me
get her back to her rightful ship.

262
00:19:31,687 --> 00:19:34,326
She can't stay here, sir.

263
00:19:35,487 --> 00:19:37,284
She just can't!

264
00:19:38,687 --> 00:19:41,121
Kryten, man, are you OK?

265
00:19:41,287 --> 00:19:44,165
(WHINES) I just know
we're not gonna be able to get rid of her!

266
00:19:44,327 --> 00:19:45,965
Is that so terrible?

267
00:19:46,127 --> 00:19:49,642
She's gonna take you away from me!
I just know it!

268
00:19:49,807 --> 00:19:51,035
What?!

269
00:19:51,207 --> 00:19:54,199
I took her a glass of milk
when she was showering.

270
00:19:54,367 --> 00:19:57,564
I've seen her naked!

271
00:19:57,727 --> 00:19:59,206
So?

272
00:19:59,367 --> 00:20:03,076
She's got all those in-and-out bits
that you like.

273
00:20:03,247 --> 00:20:07,718
Kryten, no matter what happens,
you and me, we're compadres, amigos.

274
00:20:07,887 --> 00:20:12,199
But that's all gonna change if she stays!
You'll end up liking her more!

275
00:20:12,367 --> 00:20:14,005
- I won't! I won't!
- You will! You will!

276
00:20:14,167 --> 00:20:16,635
I won't! I won't! I won't!

277
00:20:16,807 --> 00:20:19,605
- You promise?
- I promise.

278
00:20:19,767 --> 00:20:22,804
So if she walked in here now
and took all her clothes off

279
00:20:22,967 --> 00:20:27,085
and said, "Oh!
Make love to me, you horny dude,"

280
00:20:27,247 --> 00:20:31,843
and I said, "Perhaps you'd prefer
to fold some sheets with me instead, sir?"

281
00:20:32,007 --> 00:20:34,043
What would you do?

282
00:20:34,207 --> 00:20:36,357
What kind of sheets would they be?

283
00:20:36,527 --> 00:20:38,961
Those nice cotton ones with the pattern.

284
00:20:39,127 --> 00:20:43,518
- The blue stripy ones or green square ones?
- The green square ones.

285
00:20:43,687 --> 00:20:46,918
So it's making love to Kochanski

286
00:20:47,087 --> 00:20:49,521
or folding sheets with you?

287
00:20:50,647 --> 00:20:52,956
- Can I do final fold-and-stack?
- Absolutely.

288
00:20:53,127 --> 00:20:56,403
- It'd be sheets, then.
- She's standing there all naked

289
00:20:56,567 --> 00:21:00,003
with all the in-and-out bits
going all inny and outy?

290
00:21:00,167 --> 00:21:03,876
It'd be the sheets, Kryt.
You and me. Hospital corners.

291
00:21:04,047 --> 00:21:06,515
- Really?
- Too true.

292
00:21:08,207 --> 00:21:12,997
(SQUEALS) You're lying!
You're just trying to make me feel better!

293
00:21:13,167 --> 00:21:17,365
Oh! Why can't she be more
like Mr Rimmer? He was perfect!

294
00:21:17,527 --> 00:21:20,837
He didn't have any in-and-out bits
hardly at all.

295
00:21:21,007 --> 00:21:24,477
There's no one I care more about
than you, OK?

296
00:21:24,647 --> 00:21:27,366
I'd never dump you like she did! Never!

297
00:21:27,527 --> 00:21:29,563
- That's not gonna change.
- Never?

298
00:21:29,727 --> 00:21:31,080
Never.

299
00:21:32,727 --> 00:21:35,241
- (SQUEALS) You're lying!
- I'm not lying!

300
00:21:35,447 --> 00:21:40,567
Yes, you are! I'm gonna end up on my own
just like I did on the Nova 5!

301
00:21:40,727 --> 00:21:43,082
You killed the crew, Kryten!

302
00:21:43,247 --> 00:21:47,286
No wonder you ended up on your own!
It was an accident, but nevertheless...

303
00:21:47,447 --> 00:21:50,041
But what about before that?
It was the same on the SS Augustus.

304
00:21:50,207 --> 00:21:52,357
They all died of old age!

305
00:21:52,527 --> 00:21:54,404
You see?!

306
00:22:00,207 --> 00:22:01,799
(BLEEPING)

307
00:22:03,767 --> 00:22:07,806
I thought I'd lend a hand and see
if I could help you get out of here.

308
00:22:07,967 --> 00:22:12,404
I've got a positive trans-dimensional trace,
but I still can't re-establish the linkway.

309
00:22:12,567 --> 00:22:15,479
I'm sure it's something to do
with electro-magnetic phasing frequencies.

310
00:22:15,647 --> 00:22:20,163
- You took the words right out of my mouth.
- Have you tried reversing the signal?

311
00:22:20,327 --> 00:22:22,921
We'll need a power re-route
in the auxiliary power drives.

312
00:22:23,127 --> 00:22:26,483
I'll take care of that... whatever it is.

313
00:22:29,687 --> 00:22:32,042
It's the big red button there, sir.

314
00:22:39,687 --> 00:22:44,556
Hey, Officer Bud-Babe,
that power simillililillum-linilillum drive?

315
00:22:44,727 --> 00:22:46,524
Taken care of.

316
00:22:52,727 --> 00:22:54,638
You don't like me, do you?

317
00:22:54,847 --> 00:22:56,883
- Ma'am?
- You don't, do you?

318
00:22:57,087 --> 00:23:00,716
Ma'am, I think it would be more efficient
if we spent our energies

319
00:23:00,887 --> 00:23:03,162
trying to re-establish the linkway.

320
00:23:03,367 --> 00:23:05,835
- But why...?
- Please.

321
00:23:06,007 --> 00:23:07,326
- I mean...
- Ma'am!

322
00:23:08,167 --> 00:23:10,806
- I need to know why!
- Do you indeed?

323
00:23:11,007 --> 00:23:15,080
- Yes.
- You're not good enough for him! That's all.

324
00:23:15,287 --> 00:23:19,166
OK, he may walk around
smelling like a Balti house laundry basket,

325
00:23:19,327 --> 00:23:22,842
but he doesn't need the likes of you
swapping dimensions like there's no tomorrow

326
00:23:23,007 --> 00:23:27,762
and bewitching him with all your...
in-and-out bits, all pointy and unnecessary.

327
00:23:29,767 --> 00:23:31,678
You've got big problems, you know that?

328
00:23:32,407 --> 00:23:36,400
Well, at least I don't have a ridiculous walk,
unlike some people.

329
00:23:36,607 --> 00:23:39,724
Huh! Have you seen the way YOU walk?

330
00:23:39,927 --> 00:23:42,566
I have a perfectly sensible walk.

331
00:23:43,207 --> 00:23:45,880
At least I don't walk like this:

332
00:23:48,567 --> 00:23:50,922
(BLEEPING)

333
00:23:51,087 --> 00:23:53,647
Phaser frequency 4-3-4. We've got it back!

334
00:23:53,807 --> 00:23:55,798
What? You're right! That's it!

335
00:23:55,967 --> 00:23:58,800
- I can leave!
- You can leave!

336
00:24:05,807 --> 00:24:09,197
Here's the 2,000 bulbs of garlic
your Lister wanted.

337
00:24:11,407 --> 00:24:13,318
Phew-wee!

338
00:24:13,487 --> 00:24:15,955
I may just have my nose hermetically sealed.

339
00:24:16,167 --> 00:24:20,718
Is this right? 18 crates of curry
and no pasta at all?

340
00:24:20,887 --> 00:24:22,684
(MOUTHS)

341
00:24:23,007 --> 00:24:27,523
Champagne, everyone! If this doesn't deserve
a celebration, I don't know what does!

342
00:24:27,727 --> 00:24:31,117
- What are we celebrating exactly?
- (MOUTHS SILENTLY)

343
00:24:32,047 --> 00:24:34,242
You've found your crewmates at last!
How wonderful!

344
00:24:34,407 --> 00:24:37,160
- Thanks, Kryten.
- I must go and find the others.

345
00:24:45,287 --> 00:24:46,800
This is for you.

346
00:24:48,007 --> 00:24:49,679
It wasn't easy.

347
00:24:49,847 --> 00:24:52,441
I'm not exactly awash with helpful material here.

348
00:24:52,607 --> 00:24:55,565
I had to use one of Rimmer's
old James Last albums -

349
00:24:55,727 --> 00:24:59,003
a girl in a yellow crocheted miniskirt
doing the twist.

350
00:24:59,167 --> 00:25:02,364
It was like peeling an orange
with a chopstick.

351
00:25:02,527 --> 00:25:05,678
- I didn't need to know that.
- Anyway, it's all worked.

352
00:25:05,847 --> 00:25:11,080
Just pop that in the uterine simulator
in your medi-lab and... bingo.

353
00:25:11,247 --> 00:25:13,238
- Wow!
- Our child.

354
00:25:14,327 --> 00:25:16,761
I'll... you know.

355
00:25:16,927 --> 00:25:19,680
- I know.
- Any advice?

356
00:25:19,847 --> 00:25:24,318
- For the baby, I mean.
- What, advice about life and stuff?

357
00:25:24,487 --> 00:25:27,763
Well, tell it you can always park
nearer than you think.

358
00:25:27,927 --> 00:25:30,760
Don't go to Sweden. Avoid sprouts.

359
00:25:30,927 --> 00:25:31,996
Oh, and if you're a guy,

360
00:25:32,167 --> 00:25:35,796
never chop up hot chillies then go for
a leak without washing your hands first.

361
00:25:35,967 --> 00:25:39,801
It feels like a bomb's just gone off
in your pants.

362
00:25:39,967 --> 00:25:41,400
That's it.

363
00:25:41,567 --> 00:25:45,560
A lifetime's worth of wisdom
crammed into under a minute.

364
00:25:46,207 --> 00:25:49,438
As soon as it's old enough,
I'll tell it all about you.

365
00:25:49,607 --> 00:25:52,838
Apart from how you eat spaghetti.

366
00:25:53,007 --> 00:25:57,398
Just make it understand why I'm not there.
I don't want it ending up like me.

367
00:25:57,567 --> 00:26:01,685
What happened to you was really rough.
The pool table, no note, no explanation...

368
00:26:03,607 --> 00:26:07,077
I think that's why I spent most of
my early life drifting, you know?

369
00:26:07,247 --> 00:26:11,763
I didn't have anything to live up to 'cause
I didn't know who I was, where I came from,

370
00:26:11,927 --> 00:26:15,920
just those two names they couldn't decide
on calling me - Rob or Ross.

371
00:26:16,087 --> 00:26:19,841
Hey... I'll look after it. You know I will.

372
00:26:20,007 --> 00:26:22,077
Yeah, I know.

373
00:26:25,847 --> 00:26:29,920
Excuse me, sir.
Just doing a spot of dusting here.

374
00:26:38,687 --> 00:26:41,759
Look, this is probably a long shot,
but if we can hit the right settings,

375
00:26:41,927 --> 00:26:44,202
it may be possible to communicate
trans-dimensionally.

376
00:26:46,527 --> 00:26:48,199
See you.

377
00:26:48,367 --> 00:26:50,198
Bye.

378
00:26:55,527 --> 00:26:57,961
- What's this?
- Supplies from Bud-Babe's ship.

379
00:26:58,127 --> 00:27:00,402
- No, this.
- It's the symbol for infinity.

380
00:27:00,567 --> 00:27:04,446
The snake eating its own tail, and thus
completing the everlasting circle of life

381
00:27:04,607 --> 00:27:05,960
that has no beginning or end.

382
00:27:06,127 --> 00:27:10,120
- What's it doing on here?
- The crate used to contain Ouroboros batteries.

383
00:27:10,287 --> 00:27:13,040
- Everlasting.
- Ourobo-what?!

384
00:27:13,207 --> 00:27:15,516
Ouroboros, sir, it's the name of the symbol.

385
00:27:19,807 --> 00:27:22,605
- What is it, bud?
- Ouroboros...

386
00:27:22,767 --> 00:27:25,884
It wasn't "Our Rob or Ross", it was Ouroboros.

387
00:27:26,087 --> 00:27:27,315
What was?

388
00:27:27,527 --> 00:27:28,846
The message that was written
on the side of me box!

389
00:27:29,047 --> 00:27:31,356
You came in a box? That explains everything.

390
00:27:33,407 --> 00:27:37,366
I know who my parents are.
I know who I am. I understand now.

391
00:27:37,567 --> 00:27:40,798
Explain, sir. The in-vitro tube,
the one Kochanski's got.

392
00:27:40,967 --> 00:27:43,197
The frozen embryo - it's me!

393
00:27:44,007 --> 00:27:46,601
At some point if the baby's born,
we must go back in time

394
00:27:46,767 --> 00:27:49,281
and leave him under the pool table
at the Aigburth Arms.

395
00:27:49,487 --> 00:27:52,001
We wrote Ouroboros on the box to explain!

396
00:27:52,207 --> 00:27:57,406
I'm my own father...
and Kris is my ex-girlfriend and me mum!

397
00:27:58,407 --> 00:28:02,195
You should write a letter to "Playboy".
I bet you anything it'd get printed.

398
00:28:02,407 --> 00:28:04,841
I've gotta get that test tube back.

399
00:28:11,327 --> 00:28:13,124
Wait!

400
00:28:13,767 --> 00:28:17,282
- What?
- I need the in-vitro tube! It's me!

401
00:28:17,487 --> 00:28:19,364
It's what?

402
00:28:21,767 --> 00:28:23,246
The Gelfs are back!

403
00:28:38,167 --> 00:28:40,886
- What are you doing?
- I'm gonna jump!

404
00:28:41,087 --> 00:28:42,998
- You'll never make it!
- Kris, no!

405
00:28:47,007 --> 00:28:49,840
- Kristine!
- We've lost her, sir.

406
00:28:50,047 --> 00:28:51,605
No. No!

407
00:28:51,807 --> 00:28:53,957
Kristine!

408
00:28:54,167 --> 00:28:56,237
(PHONE RINGS)

409
00:28:56,647 --> 00:28:58,558
- Yeah?
- <i>Hi, it's me.</i>

410
00:28:58,767 --> 00:29:02,601
- Hi.
- <i>I've decided to stay. Just one proviso...</i>

411
00:29:02,807 --> 00:29:05,275
- Yeah?
- <i>Save my life, OK?</i>

412
00:29:05,967 --> 00:29:07,320
Cargo bay. Looking now.

413
00:29:13,087 --> 00:29:14,645
What's this?

414
00:29:14,807 --> 00:29:16,957
Mountaineering equipment
from Miss Kochanski's ship, sir.

415
00:29:17,127 --> 00:29:18,162
A crossbow?

416
00:29:18,327 --> 00:29:21,080
I thought it might come in handy
next time you run into your wife.

417
00:29:22,647 --> 00:29:27,163
<i>(KOCHANSKI) You've got about 20 seconds</i>
<i>before I'm out of reachI</i>

418
00:29:27,327 --> 00:29:29,045
Rope?

419
00:29:29,207 --> 00:29:32,404
Yes! Yes! Yes!

420
00:29:36,727 --> 00:29:38,957
<i>I'm getting a mite panicky hereI</i>

421
00:29:58,087 --> 00:29:59,679
Argh!

422
00:30:04,087 --> 00:30:05,805
Bastard!

423
00:30:09,807 --> 00:30:11,843
(PHONE RINGS)

424
00:30:16,607 --> 00:30:20,600
It's an obscene phone call, sir.
I think it's for you.

425
00:30:25,647 --> 00:30:30,323
I've brought you a drink, but don't think
it means I've gone all mushy on you.

426
00:30:32,407 --> 00:30:35,843
I'm gonna get up and work out a way
of re-establishing that linkway.

427
00:30:36,007 --> 00:30:38,885
It's too late, ma'am. The rip's self-repaired.

428
00:30:39,047 --> 00:30:43,643
- (WHINES) We're stuck with you!
- I'm gonna try anyway.

429
00:30:49,047 --> 00:30:50,526
Oh, ma'am?

430
00:30:50,687 --> 00:30:52,245
Yes, Kryten?

431
00:30:53,367 --> 00:30:55,642
Welcome aboard.

432
00:30:55,807 --> 00:30:57,798
Thanks, Kryten.

433
00:31:08,047 --> 00:31:13,246
For a long time, you'll think that you were
abandoned, but you weren't, man.

434
00:31:13,407 --> 00:31:17,958
You were put here to create a paradox,
an unbreakable circle.

435
00:31:18,127 --> 00:31:22,962
With us going round and round in time,
the human race can never become extinct.

436
00:31:23,127 --> 00:31:25,846
We're like... a kind of holding pattern.

437
00:31:30,767 --> 00:31:32,200
I'll see you, son.

438
00:31:49,807 --> 00:31:53,163
<i>
<i>there's no kind of atmosphere</i>

439
00:31:53,327 --> 00:31:56,603
<i>

440
00:31:56,767 --> 00:31:59,884
<i>

441
00:32:00,047 --> 00:32:02,800
<i>

442
00:32:02,967 --> 00:32:06,482
<i>

443
00:32:06,647 --> 00:32:09,957
<i>

444
00:32:10,127 --> 00:32:13,278
<i>

445
00:32:13,447 --> 00:32:16,678
<i>

446
00:32:16,847 --> 00:32:19,441
<i>

447
00:32:19,607 --> 00:32:23,202
<i>

448
00:32:23,367 --> 00:32:26,086
<i>

449
00:32:26,247 --> 00:32:30,399
<i>